New Beginnings, New Beliefs

I have always been unapologeticaly uniquely me (Exhibit A: my choice of outfit and props for my high school senior pic), and if people don't like me, well ... I am truthfully deeply troubled inside, but I still don't change myself to gain their approval. This is why it's been so hard for me to admit to myself that how I have judged my own worth for all these years has been severely misguided.

It hit me earlier this year when I heard these lyrics in the song "Careful" by SYML:

Take pride in who you are not what you do.

When I heard those words it was like a grand aura took over my mind and body, with a clarifying message. THIS IS IT. This is everything you've been unknowingly working on. This is the meaning of it all.

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Somehow through all of my life experiences, I had gotten this mixed up. I had put so much emphasis on what I did and how well I did it that it became my only gauge of whether or not I was good. I was constantly focusing on all of the things that I wasn't good at and putting all of my energy into them. And I allowed my entire self value and identity to be defined by my career. Although I was unhappy, I couldn't wrap my head around who I was if I wasn't an architect.

Stepping away from architecture freed up the space in my mind that I needed to actively challenge these beliefs and update my mindset and life practices. Changing my beliefs, especially ones that were developed at a young age and reinforced over many years, was hard AF. It didn't happen over night. There was no roadmap, no destination, and I didn't even realize exactly what I was doing at the time. I often felt conflicted with myself, having internal arguments about what I was supposed to be doing. Eventually I got to a place where I could look back and identify the shift that happened and all the work I put into it.

In retrospect, I thought my beliefs were what made me who I was. But in reality, they only impacted my behavior and decisions, they didn't change ME. Instead, allowing my beliefs to evolve allowed me to rid myself of mental clutter that was clouding my true self.

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Lessons from the Greenhouse

1. I can do anything. 

I was raised to believe that I could do/be anything when I grew up. I wouldn't be held back by my gender, height, doubts, or capabilities. I was taught to work hard and believe in myself.

When I decided to become an architect, I thought it had to be forever. I am just relearning now that I don't have to practice architecture, because I can do anything that I want to do if I work hard and believe in myself.

2. What I DO does not define who I AM

In our society it's hard to change the belief that productivity is more important than anything else. I'm still letting go of the idea that I have to have a "career" and learning that I can have "just a job" and that doesn't change my value as a human. I'm still letting go of the idea that I have to be an architect in order to fulfill my purpose in life.

Spending the last year in the greenhouse instead of an architecture firm has taught me many things, but one of the most important things is that I am the same person whether I am watering flowers or drawing buildings. 

It's ok to be proud of what I do, specifically the effort and care that I put into doing it, but it does not define me. If I am not proud of who I am, then it doesn't matter what I do. If I am proud of who I am, it still doesn't matter what I do. 

3. Who I AM is more important than who I am NOT

I have spent a lot of my life focused on my shortcomings, especially in my career. I was so focused on all of the reasons why I wasn't a good enough architect that I forgot about all the reasons why I was amazing. Personally, I've always been hard on myself for the qualities that I don't possess. I wasn't able to see all of the things that make me wonderfully and strangely me.

As much as I still believe that it is important to continue to grow as a person and professionally, I've learned that putting more energy into the things that I am already good at has better results than continuing to force myself to work on the things that I'm bad at. Likewise, the more that I can identify the positive and neutral characteristics about myself, the more I can share them and show up in the world as a fuller version of me.

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Learning to value myself solely for who I am has been my biggest lesson from the past year. It has been the hardest thing for me to learn and has made the most difference in my overall happiness. If you only take one thing away from this blog, take this: Whatever you do in life, do things that make you happy, and do it completely as who you are.

Happy growing!

Sarah